my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
