It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
