I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
