Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
