New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
