Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
