Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
