i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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