You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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