Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
