How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Bang-toberfest begins!!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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