The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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