Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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