the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
