how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This is my gift to your gina
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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