so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
