when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
