even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
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You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I need to calm my uterus...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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