I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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