Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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