You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
