I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
