your parents love me but you hate me
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
