I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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