If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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