I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
