Soap is not a condiment
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?