well I can't set my house on fire every night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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