I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
