So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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