Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
