I think my fart just growled at me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
