when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
