i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
