I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
