She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
