If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
