This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
