Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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