Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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