U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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