Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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