dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.