I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.