We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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