I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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