just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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