I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i believe in u and ur pee
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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