if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
