Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
