Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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