i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
