I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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