You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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