I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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