this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
