my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
