I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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