My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
