All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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